Bridge the Gap

A talk with your teen neednt always be stressful. Here are some useful tips.

Parent: You dont want to spend any time with us. You are either out with your friends or on the phone with them. Teen: Stop nagging me all the time. Please back off and give me space. This is an oft-repeated situation in many homes with teens. Distraught, anxious parents trying to find a spot in their estranged teens life and a resentful, monosyllabic teenager who keeps pulling away from them. Whats happening

The Teen-brain Architecture

To understand this process, lets try and under-stand what is really happening in the teenage brain. Latest research in neuroscience has revealed that the teenage brain loses about 20 billion synapses (regions where nerve impulses are transmitted) from age 12. Simply put, the teen brain is work-in-progress. It is only when a person is 20 or 21 that the brain matures into a finely-tuned, sophisticated neural circuitry. With this kind of neuro-restructuring and pruning going on, the teenager needs some time to just be and process all the changes in his/her brain and body. I know what you are thinking: if he needs the space to process, then why does he/she want to spend so much time with his/her friends. Science answers: teenage girls get a surge of happy hormone oxytocin when they are connecting, talking, bonding with their peer group. Similarly, boys seek a testosterone rush when they are with their friendsplaying sports, talking about their latest achievements, taking risks, being adventurous. Now,arent these highs tough to get at the dining table with mom and dad Its equally important to understand that most parents of teens are rather anxious about their school, sleep habits, food, peer group, safety and so on. And this translates to question time and lecture sessions, which teens want to avoid.

What you Can Do

Accept. First understand the struggle of their pruning brain and their need for hormone highs. Next, shun the victim role (You think our home is a hotel you can walk in and out of) and critical and nagging parenting style (Who do you think you are). These will only push him/her further away. Seek newer connections. Rather than face-to-face interactions, think of other ways of staying connectedthrough email, sms or even handwritten notes. I know a parent who wrote a love letter to her distant daughter and it worked like magic. Invite. Be innovative and send them cards saying, I would love to go out for a coffee with you this week. Let me know when it is convenient. Just coffeeno lecture! Listen. When you do get to spend time together, show interest in what is happening in his/her life. But listen without judging or jumping to conclusions. Use every opportunity. As Faber and Mazlish point out in How to Talk So Teens Will Listen & Listen So Teens Will Talk, rather than waiting for the big talk, look for small opportunities to connect with your teen. Interact with them on your way to the school bus stop, or while watching their favourite sitcom or at post-dinner icecream treats. Remember, despite all the prickliness, your teens will love you for hanging in there despite their I dont care attitude.

Source: IndiaTodayPrevention